Just a disclaimer, my views on this topic will be heavily fueled by my religious affiliation to Christianity. This means that I will be referencing the bible often so if you got a problem with it, feel free to skedaddle. Also if you are one of the Kenyan papa’s, mama’s or elders who feel that this topic is ‘improper’ feel free to talk to me afterwards but leave your fimbo’s and slippers at home (its winter anyways).
The idea of sex, at least in my household, is often an unspoken, forbidden topic to address. The unfortunate thing about it is that sex, in a lustful manner, is hyper-advertised everywhere in our society. If you don’t learn about how sex is defined in the bible, then the world will gladly teach you their understanding of it. Our hyper-sexualized environment sends out a message of lust; that sex in nature is about immediate gratification with little discernment. As I mention this, you may be playing out a steamy scene from a recent movie or T.V. show you watched where a man whisked a woman away from the club, back to his apartment after their first encounter only to end up waking up tangled in bed sheets with no further objectives. These kinds of encounters are common in cinema but often leaves a void of unhappiness and unfulfillment because honestly, it’s a really shallow way of relating to others. This is not the way God designed how sex and marriage should look like.
My objective for this post is to write on why it is ok to keep yourself pure or celibate in honour of marriage and 3 ways on how this can be achieved.
Why wait or hold off from sex until marriage?
As youths and young adults we are introduced to the concept of sex early. However, your understanding of it may not be aligned with its original intent, which is best derived from God himself because duh, he’s the all-knowing creator of it. As twisted as it has become, sex is honestly a great thing absent of sin when done right. Hold onto your seats I’m about to preach! The bible defines sex or the idea of sex as a man leaving his parents and uniting himself to his WIFE (note it doesn’t say girlfriend or side chick, it says wife; get her a ring and issa wife). The world of course portrays sex as a regular activity which everyone participates in with no harm to it. The truth is there may not be any immediate consequences (if you’re lucky) but there may be emotional and psychological damage during the process.
You will end up giving a piece of yourself to the individual you are being intimate with whether you know It or not. You are at your most vulnerable during sex because it is an act of trust with some level of expectations or feelings of entitlement afterwards. For example, you could feel entitled to loyalty from the person you sleep with but that person won’t act loyal since they don’t have a reason for it. Marriage binds 2 people together with a promise. God intended thorough commitment and respect to underlie the purpose of marriage, this way your emotions, psychological, and physical health stay intact and protected.
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 states that it is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God. Since you are the child of the most-high God, made in his own image and crafted in his likeness, you are also expected to know him through having a relationship with him. You no longer belong to yourself, you are bought with the precious blood of Christ so you are encouraged to abide in his will which is set out only to benefit you. Imagine, your faithful God wouldn’t just stop at sacrificing his beloved son to help you enter heaven but also to give you the option to follow him, choose life, protect yourself and achieve success as you power through life. It is truly a selfless amazing act isn’t it?
Even if you are not a Christian, the principle of abstaining from sex until marriage has more benefits than not. The reasons outlined above still apply to you if you want to protect yourself from the consequences that arise from sex before marriage. In addition, abstinence helps lower the risks of contracting an STI and helps you focus more on the person’s qualities and things like whether or not they’re actually a good fit for you.
Lastly, please do not beat yourself up if you are no longer pure. This is not a post on condemnation. The bible says in 1 John 1:9 if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. We are not our mistakes or even our past choices, if you know better you do better. God actually considers you ‘pure’ through the light of Jesus Christ so you dont have to carry that burden any further from here on out. In fact, your sins were forgiven before you were even born! Live life now like you are living for Christ, its the only way you can walk guilt free and still enjoy the pleasures of life within the structure God designed for it! ❤
If you seek more encouragement with celibacy, click here to Devon Franklin and Meagan Good’s testimony on why they chose marriage before sex while working in Hollywood.
If you are young and interested in dating but want to save yourself for marriage, here are 3 ways to prevent falling into the temptation of sex before saying “I do.”
- Know the difference between someone who respects your decision and someone who doesn’t
I think the best way to say this is to just be equally yoked in a relationship, this way you already have similar foundations and values and can understand each others requirements better. Your partner should be able to respect you and vice versa for wanting to save yourself for marriage. Ladies, a guy who respects your decision shows it by asking how he can be the most helpful in this regard, and encourage you to let him know if he is crossing any lines or making things difficult for you. He will also accept your explanation without further questioning or making you feel guilty/pressured about it. Be with someone who encourages you to be who you are, stand by what you believe in and optimally loves God as much if not more than you do! (Kudos to those of you who are with a partner like this already, may God direct and bless your paths). If that person does not respect or encourage your decision, it is better for them to be alone 🙂
Click here for the link to 5 things man needs before woman by the one and only Dr. Myles Munroe (mind blowing)
- Have confidence in stating your boundaries
Don’t wait until you are in a horizontal position to inform your partner about your boundaries and expectations. Instead, if you are serious about entering into a relationship with someone, you need to express your beliefs on sex, intimacy and marriage as soon as possible (first 3 dates if possible). Remember that you are dating with intention, not just for fun and short lived pleasure. Do not be ashamed to talk about your faith either, some people are Christians but are ashamed of losing their partner because of their belief in Christ. Matthew 10:32-33 states ‘So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.’ I dont know about you but I would much rather be acknowledged by Jesus than a person. Now whether you are a man or woman, part of defining the relationship is being clear about your expectations, that way you give them the freedom to walk away and not feel like their time was wasted. Having someone who waits till it is too late or changes their minds about a relationship later is really frustrating. It’s better to get a clear understanding from the beginning so you dont feel played, used, or that your time was wasted! trust me I’ve been in a situation like this in a platonic relationship and its the last time I will let someone take advantage of my precious time.
- Find appropriate ways to show your partner that you love them
Love isn’t just summed up in sex, there are so many other ways to show your love to your partner. For example, you could cancel something in your schedule that you value to make room to see them, this can make your partner feel important in your life. You could also give them words of affirmation and show real support for them in their choices. You could lend a hand and offer your time or understanding of something to benefit them so they feel appreciated. There are different love languages that people respond to. Figuring out what love language your partner speaks helps veer the relationship away from sex and more towards investing and growing each other. This goes both ways, it’s a mutual relationship so both parties should feel appreciated otherwise there would need to be some changes made in order to enhance the health of the relationship. So be creative and find ways to please your partner making them feel lucky to have you.
Thank you for reading this weeks blog post! Feel free to comment your thoughts down below on how it made you feel? Are you more confident now approaching this topic and has it encouraged you to define the relationship before getting too deep into it? Come back next week where my new suggested topic will be on betrayal and forgiveness. I apologize for not posting every Wednesday as I would have liked to originally. It’s harder than I thought and I recognize that a group of you check my blog on Wednesdays for a new post. I will try my best to post once a week but I cant promise that it will be on one day. Therefore if you just subscribe, you will be notified of new posts when they arrive instead of expecting it on one particular day. Either way, Thank you for your commitment to my blog. I love you guys and God bless!